“Today on ‘Meet The Characters,’ we interview Frank ‘The Moose’ Peterson, the lovable bully from the highly anticipated upcoming novel, ‘Letter From Hell.’ The book isn’t even finished yet, but this virtuoso of the written word, M. Lee Mendelson, has generated so much fervor that people all around the globe are clamoring for its final release. The author has released only bits and pieces from the book, just enough to drive his fans mad with anticipation. He promises it will surpass everyone’s expectations.


Frank, you are a pivotal character in this wonderful masterpiece. Thank you for joining us today.”


My pleasure, Bob. Thank you for having me.


“As you know, Frank, we tend to ask some pretty frank — no pun intended — and edgy questions here on this show. I hope you’ll take it for what it is and not get offended.”


Oh, don’t worry, Bob. These days I’m just a big ol’ Teddy Bear. Besides, you’ll know if I’m offended.


“Well, you’re a big guy, Frank. I’ll tread lightly.”


Haha. No worries, pal! You can’t get to me!


“Here, I have a list of questions from a few of the already millions of fans from all across America and the world of the yet unfinished ‘Letter From Hell.’ Our first question comes all the way from Saskatchewan, Canada. Audrey asks, ‘Why were you such a jerk and a bully in middle school?’ Frank? How do you respond?”


That’s a fair question. Well, Audrey, that was a very long time ago. I don’t like to live in the past, and in middle school was a very awkward time for me. I think it was for all of us. We all have insecurities. For some, they might be self-conscious about being too fat or too skinny. Some get upset about a zit on their face. Some always have to have the current fashion and be accepted by their peers.


For me, I was very self-conscious about how big I was. I was always the biggest guy in the school from the time I was in elementary. All throughout my five years at Liberty Elementary School, I was teased and picked on for being such a big kid. I think that by the time I got into middle school, I realized that the people who picked on me the most were actually afraid of me. Eventually I learned to channel my anger and turn it against them. It was easy to be the one picking on everyone instead of them picking on me. It was comforting not to be the center of everyone’s jeers and comments. I found it more palatable to have them run from me. Once I began standing up for myself, no one ever challenged me.  I never enjoyed being the bully, but it became my security blanket. It made life manageable as an awkward teenager.


“Hmmm, interesting response, Frank. I think we can all relate to those difficult years. Our next question comes from Max in Mississippi. Max asks, ‘Frank, what are your best and worst memories of playing pro football?’ I think a lot of us are curious about that. What do you have to say about that, Frank?”


Really? What do I have to say about that? I have to say that is a douche bag question Max. I mean, what kind of man doesn’t dream of playing pro football? The best part of being a pro football player was being a pro football player. I actually got the opportunity to fulfill a lifelong dream. How many people can say that? Too many great memories to mention. But perhaps the greatest thrill was being inducted into the Hall of Fame.


“And the worst?”


Luckily, there are very few bad memories. I think the worst part of playing pro ball was not having my best friend get to play, as well. We both shared the same dream, but he got sidelined. I often blame myself for what happened to him. You see, I had a minor injury that kept me out of the rest of that game. I was not there to protect him, and well… the rest is, as they say, history.


I don’t want to talk anymore about that, Bob. Let’s move on!


“Okay, Frank, we’ll move on. Thank you for your candor. Bethany from Moose Ridge, Maine asks, ‘You and Cynthia were very secretive about your relationship. Why was that?’ She goes on to ask, ‘How did you two actually get together, and who made the first move?’ I see you’re smiling, big guy. Apparently, Cynthia still lights your fire?”


Oh, you can say that again, Bob. Cynthia is the best thing to ever happen to me. I love that woman more than life itself. She truly understands me, and not many people do. She definitely brings out the best in me.


“That’s great Frank, but what about Bethany’s question?”


Easy, Bob! I’m getting there! You need to let me go on about my Cynthia for a bit! Don’t piss me off, bro!!!


“Oh, umm, of course, I-I-I’m sorry, Frank. Go on.”


HAHA! I’m just screwing with you, Bob! You should have seen the look on your face!


“Yeah, well, you got me for sure.”


Anyway, Bethany, to answer your question, Cynthia and I kept our relationship secret because I was sure that somehow she would dump me. I mean, look at me and look at her. She wanted to tell everyone from the beginning, but I insisted that we keep it quiet.  Again, my own insecurities were coming out. But in time, I became convinced that her love for me was genuine, and no woman had ever shown me that before.  Once I was comfortable with our relationship, I couldn’t wait to tell the world. Another reason was we didn’t want to shock our friends. You see, her best friend and my best friend had been together for some time, and we were afraid it could be a little strange for them, too. But in the end, it all worked out great. Ultimately, I discovered that my buddy saw right through me the whole time, but played along with me.


Cynthia and I actually met when my best friend graduated from law school. It was an especially romantic time, because they got engaged that night during dinner. From the beginning, I was smitten by Cynthia, to say the least. After that weekend, we started to talk, text and message on a regular basis. I was used to traveling all the time, so it was nothing for me go and spend time with her. Eventually, it became quite serious, and circumstances allowed us to move in together.


As for the first move? It was Cynthia all the way. I was so nervous on our first official date, and she could tell. I walked her to her door and she told me to bend down. Then she gave me the most passionate kiss I had ever shared with anyone. It was magical. I was done from that point on.


“This next question is from me. Frank, if you could change one thing in your life, what would it be?”


Bob, I’m a firm believer in timelines. I’m so happy with my life right now that I wouldn’t change a thing, though I do regret my best bud not fulfilling his dream with me. We were and still are inseparable. But now I see his life has turned out great, and he’s happier than ever. We talk often and he says that he, too, has no regrets. I’m so proud of him, the way he overcame so many obstacles. We’ve been there for each other through thick and thin. So yeah, Bob, knowing what I know now, I wouldn’t change a thing.


“I can see that you are a true and loyal friend.”


Thank you, Bob. I try to be. But he’s been as loyal to me as I ever was to him.


“Uh huh. Our next question comes from Samantha, in Jacksonville, Florida. Samantha asks, ‘Besides football, do you have any other hobbies or talents?’ Interesting question, Samantha. Well, Frank, what do you say?”


Well, Samantha, this will be a first for me in public. Actually, I do have a love of botany, specifically orchids. I have an orchid collection which has been a secret to all but my Cynthia, til now. We’re getting ready to move to Florida to get away from this cold. We’re moving just down the street from my best friend and his wife. They don’t know it yet, but by the time this show airs, we’ll be there. So I’m not worried about them finding out. In Florida, I can have orchids galore. It’s very relaxing and helps keep me calm.


Another secret talent that few know about is that I love to sing. I was the baritone in a barbershop quartet for the longest time.


“Wow. Unexpected, indeed. You are full of surprises, Mr. Peterson. Well, we’re nearing the end of our show and have time for just one more question from the fans. Bill from Detroit asks, ‘Frank, do you have any unfulfilled dreams or bucket list things you want to try?’ I don’t know, Bill. It sounds to me that Frank has had pretty full life. I bet there isn’t much left for him to accomplish. What say you, Frank?”


Oh, you would lose that bet, Bob. Cynthia and I have decided to try and have a baby when we get to Florida. We both want to be parents in the worst way. There’s no greater adventure that I can think of than being a father. We already have names picked out. Frank if it’s a boy, Francesca if it’s a girl. We are so excited about the upcoming move.

Once we’re in Florida, we both want to learn to SCUBA dive, deep sea fish, and of course, play golf year round. We leave the day after tomorrow. In fact, I’m heading home after the taping today to supervise the movers loading up our belongings.


“Frank, before we go, I have to ask. Everyone is dying to know. What happens in the next few chapters? M. Lee Mendelson has teased the world thus far, and I fear there will be rioting in the streets if people don’t get some answers soon.”


Bob, I have to tell you. I have no idea. M. Lee Mendelson is indeed a crafty one. He won’t even let us, his main characters, know what’s next. I guess it will be a surprise for us all.


I will tell you this, though. He told me privately that it will be all over soon. So I’m keeping my fingers crossed that something big is about to happen and we’ll know soon. 


“As we and the rest of the world wait with bated breath, we bid you, Frank, a fond farewell.  It has been an absolute pleasure. You are as gentle as you are intimidating, a true gentlemen and a gentle giant. We all wish you the best of luck for safe travel in your upcoming move, and a long, happy life with Cynthia in Florida. Thank you again for joining us today.”


Thank you, Bob. It’s been a real pleasure.


“Ladies and gentlemen, that was Frank ‘The Moose’ Peterson. Coming up next week on ‘Meet The Characters’ we will interview Mr. Chang, the delightful dry cleaner in ‘Letter From Hell’, who will shed some light on the hilarious interaction between his character and Frank.


So until next week, we bid you happy reading.”